Victory Keep: Chapter 1

I liked the narrative and the speech was very realistic. This was a great pleasure to read. I have included the paragraphs from which I make particular observations or observe something I particularly like. I particularly like how throughout you have stated that there cultural differences between the centaurs and humans whilst illustrating it as well.

‘Edgar stepped into a clearing and found a centaur suckling her child. He threw his hands over his eyes.’ If he is the king’s advisor, why isn’t he accompanied by some soldiers or other people? Especially if he is old? This would need some explaining. The mother centaur would be on the look-out for danger. This would mean that she would have a reflex reaction before her brain could assess that Edgar didn’t pose a threat. A simple turning-away from Edgar as the reflex reaction would suffice. Disturbing Xorie and Fipp would warrant the apology.

' “I am terribly sorry, madam!” ' If she is suckling in the manner of a mare, then why would Edgar be embarrassed? Embarrassment ensues at seeing the exposed breast, which Xorie does not have.

' “It's all right.” ' In this case, it is ‘alright’, as in ‘okay’. To say ‘all right’ is to say that something is ‘completely right’, whether it is ‘right’ as in direction (e.g. the right side of the body) or as in ‘correct’. In this entire piece, every time you write ‘all right’ it should be ‘alright’.

‘Her tone was scornful, but with better things to worry about, Edgar did not take it to heart. He uncovered his eyes. She was feeding the child like a mare, not a woman, so he felt no need for embarrassment. He stooped down a little, trying to determine the gender of the young one. As with foals, it was easy enough to tell.’ I like ‘with better things to worry about‘ as it gives a small hint at what he is. Later, it is revealed that Edgar is old. To determine the sex of the foal/baby, which later you’ve stated to be smaller than a horse foal, Edgar would have needed to stoop down to an extent that would cause some difficulty, pain or stiffness. Perhaps add after the comma something like, ‘reminding him how stiff he was’ or something to give the reader an earlier clue as to his age. It may not seem important, but Edgar’s age produces an important conversation, which means his age is important.

‘The centaur made no reply. She stood with arms folded and her back legs slightly apart, gazing out into the forest. Edgar was disappointed. The significance of the situation had not escaped him, and he hoped she would talk to him.’ I doubt that Edgar would be disappointed. To begin with, he would be hopeful. Disappointment would come if he were unsuccessful for a while longer.

‘He felt the strain in his bones as he lowered himself down, and puffed and panted with the effort.’ With these as past participles, the grammar makes it seem like he did this *after* he sat down, when in actuality it would happen during the lowering-down. After the comma, make it ‘puffing and panting with the effort.’

‘she would have offered to help him, or at least been willing to engage him in conversation to distract him from his pain.’ The centaur did offer him help, in that she told him where there was water. Perhaps change to ‘offered to help him further’, or ‘offered to help him more’.

I love the phrase ‘his arms flailed uncertainly at his sides’!!!

' “Excuse me, madam,' Edgar said. 'I hope you don't mind my asking. How old is your child?” ' This would be one sentence, as the thing he’s making sure she doesn’t mind is his following question. Either: "I hope you don’t mind my asking: How old is your child?" OR "I hope you don’t mind my asking how old your child is?"

' “Really?' The fascination in his voice was genuine. 'A human that age cannot even support his own head - not until he is some months old. A horse, on the other hand, gives birth to young considerably larger than your boy. How very fascinating.” ' This would imply a direct comparison between a human baby and a foal. However, it is about human head-supporting being directly compared with the centaur baby, and then horse size directly compared to centaur baby size. This isn’t a comparison between horses and humans but centaurs to both. This could be solved by adding to the previous question, ‘not until he’s bigger in some months’ time’. Or, perhaps change to: ‘ “I’m surprised he’s not big as a horse’s foal.” ’

' “I know.” ' If he was offended by being called ‘old man’, he would have had a reaction worth writing about after being told ‘ “you are one.” ’
‘Edgar knew already that the centaur was not going to ask him his business. He also knew it would be folly to ask her directly what he wanted to know, but perhaps he could bring up the subject of his predicament in a casual sort of way.’ By using ‘knew already’, it implies some sort of instant realisation near the beginning of the conversation. As this isn’t the beginning of the conversation, perhaps change to ‘conceded’ or ‘realised’. Why is it ‘folly to ask her directly’? I’ve got the impression that the centaur is pragmatic and to the point. Being asked a question directly, like Edgar has done so far, would produce the best results. Edgar’s pain at sitting down, for example: the centaur only offered help (the direction of the water) once Edgar had said about old age directly rather that at his obviously struggling to get down.

' “I suppose I shouldn't stay,” he said. “But I don't quite dare go back home, you see. I've come from Victory Keep.” ' If the ‘But’ is to have a majuscule, then it needs to have a comma straight after it. If not, change the full stop after ‘said’ into a comma and make the ‘B’ a ‘b’.

‘The centaur raised her eyebrows. “Have you indeed? Let me guess. You're on some mission for the human king.” ' The guess is about he was on ‘some mission’, so they need to be part of the same sentence, so change the full stop into a colon, and then make the ‘You’re’ into ‘you’re.

‘The centaur laughed. “I'll never understand you humans. Kings… servants… advisors! Why bother living under a dictator if he can't even make his own decisions?” ' Really like this!

' “What? Oh,” said Edgar, “you mean like ‘old man’. Well, no. It doesn't make any sense, really, does it?” ' Does this mean that it doesn’t make sense for ‘young lady’ to be an insult? If this is the case, then why? Several times you’ve mentioned that humans and centaurs don’t understand each other: one would assume that a lot of each other’s customs wouldn’t make any sense to each other. This would produce an explanation, not reiteration that ‘it doesn’t make sense’. If this is not the case, then the sentence is confusing.

‘Encouraged by the smile, Edgar asked, “What is your name, my dear?” ‘ Xorie lives in a forest, where there are presumably deer. When hearing ‘dear’, as she’s only perceiving it phonetically without the aid of spelling, she would assume it was intended as the animals. Also, with humans and centaurs not understanding each other very well, it would be even more unlikely that she would understand this endearment without objecting. If they are ‘highly strung’, she would definitely challenge the claim that she was a ‘deer’.

' “I'm on a very important mission,” said Edgar. “The king would be very nice about it, I'm sure, but even so I don't like to go back empty-handed. A child's life is at stake.” ' If Edgar holds every faith that the king would be ‘very nice’, then he would object at (perhaps challenge) any allegation that he was afraid of his king.

' “The daughter of a friend of the king's, barely even as old as your boy. Her mother died in childbirth, and the father died of grief.” ' Speech often seeks the quickest way of expressing an idea, especially in a spontaneous situation such as this conversation. It would be more likely if Edgar said, “The daughter of the King’s friend.” There is no need to specify that it is one of multiple friends, as the reader will assume that the King has multiple allies; if he didn’t, ‘only friend’ would’ve been used to signify this.

' ”Well, there may have been poison involved.” ‘ I LOVE THIS.

' “Selfish brute! What about his child?” ' This wouldn’t have been said after being informed that there was the possibility of poison. I therefore suggest that ‘ “Well, there may have been poisoned involved” ‘ is made the reply to the ‘ “Selfish brute” ‘ (which is said during the same line as ‘ “Is that even possible?” ‘ ) line. The advisor would surely want to protect the impressions of a human, especially a human that was friend to his king.

' “I'm not sure,” said Edgar. “I didn't expect to find a wet nurse in the woods, of course, but having searched every town and village I am starting to feel rather desperate.” ' If the centaur baby is ‘not much more than a day’, and the human baby is ‘barely even as old as your [Xerie’s] boy’, then this implies that Edgar has searched the entire kingdom in less than a day. How is this possible unless if it’s a very, very small kingdom? If it is a small kingdom, then this should be made clear much before this sentence.

' “Could you?” Edgar's eyes dropped to her breasts, covered by a pretty garment fashioned from leaves and flowers. ‘ Edgar noticed the significance of the situation very early on and shortly before this reply mentioned ‘now was his time,’ he would have known that the centaur *could* feed the child. However, he needs to feign ignorance to keep the façade going, which would require something following his question, such as ‘he asked, careful to keep his tone questioning.’ This would be easier if Xerie’s sentence was ‘ “I suppose I could do it” ’ as opposed to assuming that he has already guessed. If she has already guessed that he had guessed, and indeed Edgar did guess, then why would he try the façade? Perhaps his ‘ ”Could you?” ’ could be, ‘ ”Yes. The foal has a choice, I imagine?” ’ which would then be followed be Xorie saying, ‘ ”I do find this more comfortable.” ’ He is a man. I’m pretty sure that he would have noticed that her breasts were covered up much earlier on. It is a very pretty image, so it would be nice for the reader to have more time in the story to picture this centaur with this garment.

' “But a human child I could cradle in my arms, couldn't I?” ‘ This is so obvious that it doesn’t need to be included.

' “Will it be quite all right?” Xorie asked. “A centaur suckling a princess, I mean?” ' Xorie is the kind of being who would take ‘that is… if you’re coming’ as meaning of course it’s alright, because if it wasn’t alright then why would Edgar make the suggestion that she could come? Perhaps Xorie should say something like, “It’ll be interesting, a centaur suckling a princess.”

' “Um… I don't know.” ' This follows Xorie’s baffling comment: nothing she’s done so far suggests that she has no choice in the matter. I would therefore suggest that you make more a thing out of Edgar’s confusion.

' “Of course you don't.” ‘' I like this.

' “He can stand, hold his head up and walk,” said Xorie, “and I happen to know your Victory Keep isn't far from here. We'll go now, shall we? I think you have had enough, my darling.” ' If a person was changing who they were talking to, they would do something in between talking to one person and talking to another. I would suggest you do something like this in between ‘ “We’ll go now, shall we?” ‘ and ‘ “I think you have had enough, my darling.” ‘ A simple head turn would be sufficient.