Right then.  Um…  Sorry, I’m really groggy.  Up until about five seconds ago, I was asleep.  Now there are two screaming babies at the end of my bed.  Not that I’m complaining.  I love them so much.  It’s just silly how much I love them.  But it’s nice when I can sleep, which is almost never.

Just when I’m stooping to pick up the babies I hear a noise downstairs, and I gasp and say, ‘Daddy’s back!’  Yes, I admit it: I’m one of those gasping, exclaiming, jolly yet patronising mums.  But they don’t care that Daddy’s back.  I want to go and pump Harry for information, but they just want boobs.  Well, Jamie definitely wants a boob.  All he wants is my nipple in his mouth, all the time.  He’s easy to please.  With Nathan, sometimes it’s boobs and sometimes it’s something else - a nappy change or a jigging about or something.  But this time, he wants a boob too.  That’s good - it’s easier.

So there I am sitting on the end of the bed with the boys sucking me, and I’m wondering what the hell is taking Harry so long.  Perhaps I had better fill you in.  The boys are five weeks old now, which means there’s still a week until I can have sex again.  It’s driving me mad, let me tell you - but I guess that’s not interesting to you.

Over the past six months, apart from the birth of my (and Harry’s) beautiful baby boys, almost nothing has happened.  Except that they dug up my grandfather’s body on the day Harry and I got married, and then my mother decided she didn’t want them to do a post mortem and find the cause of death after all.  But, she later told me, the people in charge of the whole thing - I don’t know whether they were police or scientists or what - didn’t like that one bit.  So she let it go ahead, thinking she’d drop the charges against the hospice nurse who might have euthanised him, no matter what.  So then what happened?  It was found that he’d died of a morphine overdose.  Mum couldn’t have known how she would react to this news.  As it turned out, it wasn’t good.  She called me and started screaming, ‘SHE KILLED HIM!  THAT BITCH KILLED HIM!’

So the investigation went ahead.  I seem to remember that I spent the last three or four months of my pregnancy wandering around the house going, ‘So when’s the trial?  When’s the trial?  There is going to be a trial, isn’t there?’  And Harry was lovely, patting my arm and going, ‘Darling, these things take time.’

Well, we eventually found out the date of the trial and I promised myself I’d go to it.  But then the very next day I had my babies, and I had to give up sleeping.  Well, it’s a lazy habit anyway, isn’t it?  There was no way I was going to that trial this morning.

‘Ah, here we all are,’ says Harry, coming in and smiling soppily at me and the boys.  They’ve turned him into just the mushiest man I’ve ever met - it’s madness.

‘Good news?’ I ask him.

‘Yes,’ he says.

‘She got off?’

‘She certainly did.’

I’m so relieved.  Now personally, I think this nurse did kill my grandfather, but only because he wanted her to.  He was in a lot of pain, and… oh, I’ve done all this.

‘The evidence really seemed to be stacked against her,’ says Harry, coming to sit next to me on the bed.  ‘We already knew he left her absolutely everything, and she’d been taking the most care of him, and - oh, have you finished?’ as Nathan decides he’s had enough and spits out my left nipple.  ‘Come here, I’ll burp you.’

He takes Nathan from me - Jamie’ll just go on sucking until he falls asleep - and carries on.  ‘And he died of morphine.  Who has access to morphine?  Nurses.  There was no way he could have done it himself.  He was attached to a machine - the prosecution lawyer told the jury all this about six times - and while that lets you up the dose a bit it doesn’t let you take enough to kill you.  I mean, that would be stupid, wouldn’t it - imagine the accidents.  So what we do know is that your grandfather was definitely helped.’

Nathan lets out a huge burp, so Harry stops rubbing his back and just leaves him hanging over his shoulder.  But then he starts to grizzle.

‘He wants a walk,’ I say.

‘’Course he does,’ says Harry, and he stands up and starts walking Nathan up and down the room.

‘So how did she get off,’ I ask, ‘with all that evidence?’

‘All circumstantial,’ says Harry.  ‘She was working the night he died, but so were loads of people.  They all popped off to the loo a few times - any of them could have done it.  No one saw her or anyone else administer any drugs to him.’

‘What about the will?’ I asked.  ‘I mean, if someone definitely did do it…’

‘Again, circumstantial,’ says Harry.  ‘A couple of members of the hospice staff stood in the witness stand and talked about how much Kate’ - that’s her name, I should tell you - ‘did for him, and they weren’t surprised he’d left her everything, they became really good friends.  Her lawyer looked a bit worried when your cousins got up there and said they’d been cut out of the will because they refused to do it, but that just wasn’t enough.  They couldn’t prove beyond reasonable doubt that she bumped him off.’

‘Well I’m glad,’ I say.  ‘Still, she must have stood up there and lied under oath.’

‘Well maybe she’s innocent.’

Ha!  I don’t think so.

‘I don’t think so, Harry.’

So basically, everyone knows she did it but she got off anyway.  I’m not sure what that says for the credibility of real murder investigations, but this is no time to quibble.  I’m a young mother now.  You learn to stop having big ideas.

‘Well that’s all sorted now,’ says Harry.  ‘Darling, do you feel in a position to tick things off on a piece of paper?  Because I can’t really do it like this.’

‘You’ll have to pass it to me,’ I say.

So Harry takes Nathan over to one of the chests of drawers, and pulls out a list.  I can’t get it because Jamie’s on my nipple, and he’ll go mad if I move.  Harry can’t tick things off because he’s walking Nathan around, and he’ll go mad if he stops.  I’ll tell you something.  Babies are just amazing.  I mean, they get bigger and bigger inside you (or, if you’re a man, inside your wife/girlfriend/mistress/one-night stand/prostitute… that must be all), and then they come out - much to the cost of their mother’s physical and mental wellbeing - and then, suddenly, you’re their absolute slaves.  They can’t talk, they can’t walk, they can’t even hold their own heads up, and they just rule you.  And you lap it up, because you love them so ridiculously much.  Amazing, amazing things, babies.

Anyway.  Harry gives me the list, and I recognise it.  It’s the list of my problems we made after we found out I was having twins.  So quite a while ago now, really.  And he’s kept it all this time?

‘You’ve kept it all this time?’ I say.

‘Of course,’ says Harry.  ‘Now, here’s a pen.’  He hands me a pen.  ‘This is what I propose.  You read out each problem, we discuss it and if we discover that it’s solved, you tick it off.’

‘Right,’ I say.  ‘Seems simple enough.  And if it isn’t solved…?’

‘We find a way to solve it.’

Well that may not be as easy as he makes it sound.  Ever the optimist, is my Harry.  I tell him that.  I say, ‘That may not be as easy as you make it sound, but we can certainly have a stab at it.’

‘Excellent,’ says Harry, and he starts wandering round again.  When he’s got his back to me I have a look at Nathan, hoping he might have gone to sleep, but he’s never looked more awake in his life (all five weeks of it).  And Jamie’s still sucking away.  How is he not full?  How do I have that much milk in one breast?

‘So,’ says Harry.  ‘Item number one is…?’

I read aloud from the list: ‘ “Mother still organising big wedding.”’

‘We dealt with that one months ago,’ says Harry.

‘Yes, I know,’ I say, and I tick it off.  I’ve got one hand and one knee.  It’s fine.  ‘Sorted.  Item two: “ ‘Concerned about hospice nurse.”  Sorted.’  Another tick.  ‘Three: “Feel like a tool of the patriarchy.”’

‘No need,’ says Harry.  ‘You wrote all those stories for me before you had the twins, in exchange for board and lodging forever after.’

‘Oh, that’s stupid,’ I say.  ‘I only did about five of the things, and you didn’t even really want them.’

Harry looks indignant.  ‘I certainly did want them!’

‘You were just trying to make me feel better.’

‘I wanted them,’ says Harry, ‘but if you don’t feel that the arrangement has solved your problem, I shall have to find some other way of helping you.’

‘No, don’t,’ I say.  ‘Not yet.  I haven’t got time to do anything, Harry.  I’m not employing somebody else to look after these guys, which means there is absolutely no solution.’

‘Oh dear,’ says Harry.

‘Oh I don’t care,’ I say.  ‘I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care.’  Well, it’s true - I don’t care.  Remember what I said about no longer having big ideas?  All I care about now is my babies.  And my sleep.  ‘I’ll just be a tool of the patriarchy.  We can never have equality as long as women have to bear children, so why try to change things?’

‘Oh Phillippa, honestly,’ says Harry, and he stops to give me a stern look, but then Nathan starts grizzling so Harry says, ‘Sorry,’ and starts walking him round again.

‘You’ve got money,’ I say.  ‘You’re happy to keep me until I feel like I can bear to be away from the boys.’  The way I feel at the moment, that may be never, but there’s no point in mentioning that now.  Perhaps I can get a job and stop being a tool of the patriarchy when they’re eighteen.  It’ll happen eventually.  ‘I like it this way, honestly.’

‘All right,’ says Harry, ‘if you’re sure.’

‘I’m sure.’  I tick the item off.  ‘There, I have to be sure - it’s ticked.  We can’t un-solve it now.’

‘Very well,’ says Harry, smiling slightly.  ‘Item four?’

‘ “Owe nearly nine thousand pounds in student debt and refuse to let Harry pay it off.”’

‘Have you changed your mind about that one, by any chance?’

‘Actually,’ I say, ‘yes.  It’s interest free and they’re happy to wait, but I don’t like having the debt having over me.  You can pay it off and I’ll give you an IOU.’

Harry stops to look at me.  Nathan starts grizzling, so Harry’s on the move again when he says, ‘You’ll give me an IOU?’

‘I want to pay back that money myself, but I’d rather be in debt to you than the Student Loans Company.’

This is insane.  Before I gave birth I never, ever, ever would have let Harry pay off a debt for me.  But giving birth… it does things to you.  Or maybe it’s the sleep deprivation.  But at least I haven’t lost all my pride.  I am going to pay him back one day, when the boys are eighteen and I’ve got that job I keep promising myself.

‘Very well, if that’s what you want to do,’ says Harry.  He’s so lovely!  ‘Will you count that one as solved?’

‘Already have done,’ I say, ticking the item off.

‘Good, good, this really feels like we’re getting somewhere.’

‘But we’re not,’ I say.  ‘Nothing’s changing.’

‘Feeling like we’re making progress is almost as good as actually making progress,’ says Harry, and I see at once that he’s right.  ‘Any more?’

‘One,’ I say.  ‘ “Lacking belief in ability to find work and be a good mother at the same time.”  Well I still don’t think I can, Harry, and I don’t want to.’

‘Yes, we’ve established that.  No job.’

‘No.  Not yet.’

‘And how do you feel you’re doing as a mother?’

‘Considering I’ve got twice as many babies as most mothers,’ I say, ‘pretty good.’

‘Excellent,’ says Harry, stopping to smile down at Jamie hanging onto my nipple.  ‘Now Pippa, tell me honestly.  Are you happy?  Because I’m a bit worried about this thing you’ve got about not taking my money, and it also concerns me when I remember that you seemed awfully afraid of commitment before.’

‘Harry,’ I say, ‘you’ve laid all of those fears to rest.  I mean, it’s…’

‘What?’  He looks so worried!

‘Different.’

‘Good different or bad different?’

‘Good,’ I say quickly.  ‘I mean… it’s weird.  It seems like one minute I was coming round here when I wanted a laugh and a good orgasm, and now suddenly we’re married with two children.  But I don’t regret it for a minute,’ I say hastily, because he looks really really worried now.  ‘This is better than getting horrible jobs to pay the rent and failing at them anyway, and having to come round here all the time because I’m in some kind of trouble.’

‘You make it sound like it’s all beyond your control,’ says Harry.

‘Oh don’t be stupid,’ I say.  Jamie flops away from my nipple, and I know he’s asleep, but I don’t put him down because I want to stay in my stride while I finish telling Harry off.  ‘I never once felt in control of my life, until the day I agreed to marry you.  I didn’t know whether or not I was pregnant then, but I hoped I was.  When I did that first test all wrong and it was negative, I was gutted.  This is what I want, Harry.  All right?’

‘All right then,’ says Harry.  ‘If you say so.’

‘I do say so.’

‘I think Jamie’s asleep.’

‘He is,’ I say.  ‘And Nathan must be too - you’re standing still and he’s silent.’

‘Gosh, so he is,’ says Harry, and he stoops to put Nathan back in the cot.  It’s a huge thing, and they both sleep in it side by side.  I was a bit worried at first that they might smack each other in the face or something while they were asleep, but they seem to cope, on the rare occasions that they do sleep.

I stand up and put Jamie down next to Nathan, and then Harry and I just stand there and look at them with these big fat soppy smiles on our faces.  Then suddenly I think, What the hell am I doing?  They’re asleep!  I should be asleep!

‘Harry,’ I say.  ‘I’m going back to sleep.’

‘Good idea, my love,’ says Harry.  ‘I’ll make you something to eat for when you wake up.’

‘Yes,’ I say.  ‘Do.’

‘Maybe then you can give me all the paperwork from the Student Loans Company so I can pay off that debt,’ says Harry.  ‘Yes?’

‘Maybe,’ I say, because there’s a chance I might change my mind when I wake up.  But I can’t think about that now.  Being awake… it’s a horrible thought!  Blargh, no, not thinking about it.  I am going to sleep.