The first thing to say is that I am pulling out of NaNoWriMo. I am extremely surprised at myself. I started out with every intention of winning. But by about day eight I realised that my novel was not working out the way I wanted, and then on Friday the thirteenth (oh! ) I missed a bit, thereby falling behind, and made the decision not to continue.

I am not exaggerating when I say that I agonised over the decision. I really did. I don't like losing! (I mean, I don't mind losing a friendly game of Scrabble or something, but I really hate losing NaNoWriMo.) I was excited about it before it started, but that was because I thought my novel was going to be really good. Then it started turning out all wrong. Now, I could have caught up over the weekend, carried on writing, maybe tried to salvage something from it and been able to boast winning NaNoWriMo. But it would have been a waste of my time. As I was writing, I was figuring out a way to do it much better, and there was no way I could have got there from what I had no matter how much editing I did later on. It's going to have to be a total re-write.

This happened with the last novel I wrote. I believe I got to about 40,000 words (as opposed to about 20,000, like this time) before I realised it wasn't working, and so I took the same idea and made it into a new novel that I ended up feeling very proud of. But it didn't happen during NaNoWriMo. I feel very, very disappointed with myself, but I guess it's just something that didn't work out and isn't really worth getting upset over.

A big reason for not carrying on with it is that I do actually have something else to do with my time now. I spent the last week working for no money in a school just up the road, in a little area called the Learning Support Centre. Kids go up there when they're struggling with their work, or when they've got some kind of emotional problem. I do a bit with them, and a lot of filing and photocopying and traipsing all over the school with messages. Obviously I wish I was getting paid, especially since I'm doing more hours than most of the people who do get paid, but I'm not complaining. I asked them to take me on, and said I didn't care about money, which I don't. Well, not much. Working for no money is better than doing nothing. It's keeping me more or less sane, it should do something to improve my job prospects and when I get to work with the kids, I do enjoy it.

I am so sick of looking for work. I'm going into rant mode now - do feel free to skip over it if you want to. Now then. There are only two things I feel I'm good enough at (is that grammar? ) to earn a living. I'm good with words, and I'm good with kids, and I am being denied chances to work with either. I don't like blaming other people for my problems, but in this instance, I am honestly doing everything that I can. I blame the recession. So that's Gordon Brown's fault, right? Anyway, I'm not getting interviews in the publishing/media industry. The other day I applied for a really boring junior position described as a 'foot in the door with publishing'. When I looked at the website yesterday, applications had climbed to a total of 139. And that was just yesterday - I daren't look again. I'm getting interviews in schools, and three hours later I'm getting phone calls saying I haven't got the job. I can't work in a support role because I'm over-qualified. I can't do anything more challenging - least of all actually teach - because they don't think I can control a class!

I might as well tell you - it particularly stings at the moment, because earlier this week I had to endure the worst rejection yet. They wanted four people, and of the eight that they interviewed, they decided that only one was good enough. This at least tells me that it wasn't my fault - they are just ridiculously picky. They said I got all the interview questions right (because there are right answers, you know ), but the one teacher observing the lesson I did thought that I didn't attempt to control the class. I could rant about that for hours - about how I had pretty much twenty-four hours notice to prepare a lesson for thirty-odd kids I had never met; how it is not at all true that I made 'no attempt' to control them; how it was supposed to be a fun lesson, and when I asked for quiet I got it...

Oh, look, I just did rant about all those things. Well, that's it. Rant over. For anyone who decided to skip the whingey bit, rant ends here.

So, to sum up, I am not feeling too brilliant at the moment. But I'm sure I'll move on from it soon, especially since I now have something to do with my time and am no longer the most useless human being on the planet. And I am sorry about all the personal pronouns in this journal. I am not in the habit of sitting and talking (or typing) about myself - or only about myself, anyway - but there it is, I am feeling rather sorry for myself at the moment. But anyway, how are you all getting on?

Ah, yes, now. Before I (finally) finish - would anyone be interested in a position at *simplyprose? I always seem to be looking for staff, and it is rather a source of stress for me, I'm afraid. In fact - I'll admit it - I am thinking of handing control over to somebody else. If somebody else would be willing to accept it (first refusal going to staff members, of course). But first of all, we need a new critique/commenter. Spread the word, and let me know if you'd be interested.